Texas Rangers’ slogan for 2022 is ‘Bland Ball’

By David Mullen

Porridge has never been popular. Soda crackers have been around for more than two centuries, but few crave them except as an adjunct to a savory soup. Baby food is for babies. If babies could talk, they certainly wouldn’t request strained peas as an entrée.  

Celebrating their 50th year, flavorless fare is what the Texas Rangers are serving local baseball fans at Globe Life Field. You can get Cheetos Popcorn or an Alligator Corn Dog in their $1.2 billion air-conditioned food court, but on the field, the Rangers are a piece of Zwieback toast crumbling before the eyes of Texas. 

Despite an annual payroll of more than $143 million, the Rangers play uninspired baseball. “Bland Ball.” Even Rangers TV broadcasts on Bally Sports, with the pedestrian announcing team of Dave Raymond and C.J. Nitkowski, are as satisfying as sitting down to a big bowl of Cream of Wheat. Watching Rangers games is the only time Oliver would plead, “Please, Sir, I don’t want some more.”  

At the All-Star Break, the unofficial halfway point of the 2022 MLB season, the Rangers look all too familiar. They’ve spent a lot of money this offseason, made roster changes and have very little to show in return.

How long will President of Baseball Operations Jon Daniels get away with this injustice? One can only keep a job for so long living on a reputation of being the GM of a team that lost a World Series 11 years ago. 

Daniels has been at the top of the Rangers brass since 2005. Gee, I remember when he was only 28 years old. He’s been at the helm for 16 seasons. In 12 of those seasons, the Rangers have been serving up the same old gruel. 

Rangers’ manager Chris Woodward, Daniels’ anointed one, said the Rangers occasionally lack “a winning mentality.” Isn’t that the responsibility of the manager, to instill winning? Woodward has proven nothing, amassing a 201-273 (.424) record as Rangers’ manager as of the All-Star break. Winning mentality indeed. 

In a game consumed with statistics, the “halfway point” of the season is actually 90 games into a 162-game schedule. 

Texas is 41-49 in the AL West, 17.5 games behind the Houston Astros. They are only ahead of the “Sybil”-like Los Angeles Angels and the imploding Oakland Athletics in a mediocre division. The Baltimore Orioles have a better record (45-45) than the Rangers, despite playing in the powerful AL East and spending nearly $100 million less on players.

The Rangers need to only look around the rest of the league and see what they are doing wrong. The New York Yankees have the best record in baseball with three Rangers castoffs — SS Isiah Kiner-Falefa, C Jose Trevino and OF Joey Gallo — among their eight regular position players. The Seattle Mariners and the Atlanta Braves are winning with youth. After 90 games, the Los Angeles Dodgers have five more wins at this point than last season without new Ranger shortstop Cory Seager.     

The New York Mets filled in gaps in the offseason and lead the NL East. Houston doesn’t let injuries slow them down and are still a team no one wants to play. With nearly identical records, which team has a better future, the $83 million payroll Miami Marlins or the locked up and unloaded Texas Rangers?

The Rangers ended the first “more than” half of the season with four straight home losses to the division rival Mariners. The Rangers seemed to be at least a potential .500 team this year. Now, they seem to be playing out the season. 

Texas is hitting .239 as a team, good for 20th in all of baseball. They are 27th in on base percentage. They are tied for 27th in MLB in fielding percentage, just .001 from last place. They are 21st in pitching and have used 26 different pitchers so far this season.

The Rangers should build a bullet line to get players to Arlington from Round Rock where the Triple A affiliate Express is located. The train could be called the Round Rock Express Express. 

Seager, Texas’ $325 million baby, had home runs in five consecutive games from July 8 to July 12. The team went 3-2. He stopped hitting bombs and the Rangers went 1-4. Second baseman Marcus Semien, who signed a $175 million contract in the offseason, is hitting .239 with 12 HRs and 43 RBI. They were brought in to be the anchors of the franchise, yet the team is adrift.

The Rangers gave up on once top prospect Willie Calhoun. Third base is a revolving door with Charlie Culberson, Josh Smith and Ezequiel Duran leaving fans longing for Dean Palmer, let alone Buddy Bell, Steve Buechele or Adrian Beltre. Another big offseason acquisition, Mitch Garber, was penciled in this year to hit cleanup, launch at least 30 home runs and provide solid play behind the plate. He batted .207 with 10 HRs and 24 RBI and is done for the season. 

The second iteration of the Washington Senators — the first version relocated to Minnesota in 1960 — had only one season above .500, a fourth-place finish in 1969. When Washington 2.0 moved to Arlington in 1972, fans didn’t think they were getting those Washington Senators. Replace the “T” with a “W” on today’s cap and it is difficult to tell the difference.

The Rangers are lucky they reside in North Texas. If they were in New York, Boston or Philadelphia, fans and the media would have given this team one star and try to close it down. 

But in these parts, fans can wait in anticipation for the college football, Cowboys, Mavericks and Stars seasons to open. Those give sports fans plenty to chew on.

It has become obvious that, despite changing the menu, the Rangers could use new cooks in the kitchen. Remaining Rangers fans are still hungry for a winner. Until then, today’s special is the usual “Bland Ball.”