Carving up ‘Turkeys of the Year’ in sports

By David Mullen

The Thanksgiving dinner table is about traditions. Families and friends gather together to enjoy a decadent meal that will take 364 days (365 days in a leap year) of YouTube exercise videos to work off. It is the time to wonder how Dad’s rhetoric became so politically charged, to speculate just what is in Aunt Midge’s marshmallow casserole and wonder if anyone actually enjoys mince pie.

It’s also time for the “Turkeys of the Year” ritual, honoring those in sports who have earned a seat at the table of infamy. Blow the dust off of the Cuisinart electric knife set and let’s start carving.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. Since the Cowboys’ last Super Bowl appearance in 1996, Dallas’ profits have gone sky high while the competitive nature of the team is approaching an all-time low. Jones is in denial. He is the boss and thinks that the sun doesn’t shine through the windows at AT&T Stadium, Dak Prescott is the second coming of Troy Aikman, running backs are overrated in the NFL, head coach Mike McCarthy is a heftier version of Bill Walsh and that only Jones can fix the team. The sky is falling around Jones, literally, as a chunk of the AT&T Stadium roof landed on the field on November 18. 

The Chicago White Sox. The 1962 New York Mets are no longer the worst team in Major League Baseball history. The team, which began in 1894 and featured legends like “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, Luke Appling and Nellie Fox, went 41-121 in the 2024 season, eclipsing the ’62 Mets as the worst team in baseball history. “What would the [Nellie] Fox say?”

Warner Bros. Discovery. The NBA helped build the WBD-owned network TNT and TNT helped build the NBA. No network has been better suitors. “Inside the NBA,” featuring Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, Shaquielle O’Neal and Charles Barkley, is the best pre- and post-game show in sports without parallel. But when the contract rights negotiations came up, the smug WBD brass and greedy NBA ownership butted heads, and TNT lost their NBA broadcast rights to ESPN, NBC and streaming service Amazon Prime beginning with the 2025 season.    

Luckily, TNT was able to negotiate a syndication deal to keep “Inside the NBA” on the air, with panel-challenged ESPN picking up the rights beginning next season. Rumor has it that the contract includes a restraining order, keeping the annoying ESPN megamouth Stephen A. Smith at least 300 feet away from the “Inside the NBA” set next season. 

Raygun. Australian breakdancer Rachael Gunn, known as “B-girl Raygun,” failed to score any points at the Paris Olympics in “breaker.” It pointed out not only her ineptitude but questioned why breakdancing was considered an Olympic sport in the first place. The good news is that her routine, which included a “kangaroo” dance, has been incorporated by NFL players into touchdown celebrations. The better news is that breaking will not be part of the LA 2028 Olympic Games. 

Former Rangers pitcher Jordan Montgomery. Special recognition goes to player agent Scott Boras, known for long player holdouts. After Montgomery played a key role in the Rangers’ World Series Championship in 2023, free agent Montgomery was advised by Boras to wait for the best contract offer. Montgomery went into the critical spring training period unsigned. He ultimately signed a one-year, $25 million contract with the reigning NL champion Arizona Diamondbacks, but reported to the team late and out of shape after. Montgomery struggled, went  8-7 with a 6.23 ERA and was relegated to the bullpen. Arizona failed to make the playoffs.

New York Jets wide receiver Malachi Corley. This prize goes to any football player that begins his touchdown celebration at the one-yard line. In a Thursday night game on Halloween, Corley sped toward the end zone unchallenged, began his touchdown celebration early and dropped the ball before reaching the goal line. The touchdown turned touchback gaffe can be traced back to DeSean Jackson in a 2008 “Monday Night Football” game. Players should have learned by now. 

Austin Capobianco and John Peter. Who? You know who they are. They are the two New York Yankees fans that tried to pry a foul ball out of Los Angeles Dodgers right fielder Mookie Betts’ glove in Game 4 of the 2024 World Series after he made an outstanding catch reaching into the stands. The Yankees yankers grabbed Betts glove and tried to steal the ball. And reports are that crime in down in New York City.

“Turkey of the Year” honorable mentions go to NFL on field officials missing late game calls, especially infractions against the quarterback; disgraced Cleveland QB Deshaun Jackson and his love of the rub; professional sports leagues getting in bed with sports betting sites, like Fan Duel and ESPN Bet; and the CFP committee influenced by SEC apologist Paul Finebaum, having an obvious bias toward SEC teams and underrating college football programs like Indiana and SMU. 

Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy the mince pie and no cellphones at the table.