Naughtiness is on Santa’s list

By David Mullen

Santa is very busy this year. First, he must plan air travel over the holidays. Then, he must make sure that his workshop is observing healthy protocols and that the elves are socially distant. Luckily, they only need to be kept three feet apart.

Still, Kris Kringle has time to make a list for the naughty and nice local teams and some members of the sports world in general. He doesn’t need to check it twice. Santa doesn’t discriminate, even against a sports owner that has a $250 million, 372-foot yacht. His gift list includes:

For the Dallas Cowboys:  A 186-Piece Vanadium tool set with four trays and a wheeled aluminum carrying case. The perfect kit when something, like the Cowboys front office, roster and coaching staff, is in need of a complete overhaul. And a new drafting table for obvious reasons.

Texas Rangers: Microsoft Project Professional management software. This season, new Rangers GM Chris Young has a lot of forecasting to do. There are projects at virtually every position. Some players are too inexperienced. Others have too much experience and are not worth their huge contracts. But by all accounts, Young is astute. And he has previous big-league experience, something the organization has lacked since the departure of Nolan Ryan. 

There will be a lot of late nights for Young, as he tries to resurrect a horrible team into a future contender. He must avoid the old “win right now” philosophy, which led to a series of blundering personnel moves. Realistically, the Rangers are in such bad shape that they can’t compete with the Houston Astros, the Oakland Athletics, the Los Angeles Angels and probably the Seattle Mariners in 2021. And those are just teams within their division, not to mention the other 10 in the league.

Ranger fans must hope that Young is computer proficient. He has to reprogram the team with fresh input, a new outlook and it appears he is already logged on.

Dallas Mavericks: The fountain of “aging.” The Mavericks have already found youth in 21-year-old superstar Luka Doncic and 25-year-old Kristaps Porzingis, now they just need to get older and wiser. They are a championship team in waiting. Time for Ponce de León to come out of retirement and start searching again.

FC Dallas: A TEXpress lane to Frisco. The MLS team is very good, and their games are entertaining. Their venue is top flight and easily accessible. It is an affordable family environment, and let’s face it, children probably know more about soccer than their parents. No area team has had to deal with more COVID-19 issues this season, but they still managed to make and advance in the playoffs. A trip on the Dallas North Tollway to an FC Dallas game in 2021 is a New Year’s resolution worth keeping. 

Dallas Wings. A Scotts Turf Builder EdgeGuard DLX Broadcast Spreader. If ever a team needs a grass roots marketing effort, it would be the WNBA team that calls the 7,000-seat College Park Center on the campus of UT Arlington home. When you Google search “Dallas Wings,” you get the multiple locations of Pluckers. And although they have laid an egg lately, the Wings are building a team that in a few years will be ready to rule the roost.   

SMU football. The board game Clue. That would be a perfect regift for the NCAA money hungry brass that subjected the Mustangs and so many other college football programs to a season fraught with uncertainly due to the coronavirus. This season should never have kicked off. Or, in Clue-speak, the student athletes shouldn’t have been dealt such a bad hand. 

The BMW Dallas Marathon. A high-quality weather app. Organizers of the Dallas Marathon would love to worry next year about rain, winds, sleet, snow, an unseasonable hot spell, anything but a COVID-19 virus. 

This year, nearly 2,000 runners and walkers are participating virtually in an event that will last until Thursday, Dec. 31. It’s just not the same to compete 26.2 miles in high performance equipment and a racing bib on a garage treadmill. 

Jerry Jones. A sharp putty knife and a can of industrial strength Endust. Nothing else will be able to remove the buildup on the shelf space next to the Super Bowl XXX trophy that has been gathering since 1996. 

Houston guard James Harden. A guardian angel. Harden, a regal shooter but a royal pain, spent his abbreviated NBA off-season in group settings, casinos and bars. His penance is that he is required to pass six consecutive COVID-19 examinations before he can play. And everyone knows that Harden doesn’t like to pass. 

Note to Harden: Don’t hire Los Angeles Clippers guard Lou Williams. His favorite restaurant is an Atlanta gentleman’s club named Magic City, which has a plate of chicken wings named after him, but they are only served naked. He’s no angel.

JJ Barea. A seat on the Mavericks bench. He won’t get a seat this season as the Mavs released the 36-year-old point guard on December 10, but not before owner Mark Cuban signed him to a thank you $2.6 million guaranteed contract. A future coaching position with Dallas is almost a certainty, but it should not be a ceremonial one. Barea has an excellent basketball mind and would be an asset to the organization.

Skip Bayless. The Combine EyeDetect with Polygraph. The lie detector machine costs $4,000, but promises a 97 to 99 percent accuracy rate. It would be severely challenged by a “revisionist historian” like the former Dallas sportswriter and current Fox Sports 1 talking head. His latest embellishment is that, in 1989, Cowboys head coach Jimmy Johnson confided in Bayless about the Hershel Walker trade, which ultimately reshaped the franchise. Bayless claimed Johnson asked him for his opinion. According to an angry and befuddled Johnson, Bayless’ story is a lie. It wouldn’t be his first.

My Christmas gift came early. The Texas Rangers have a new general manager. As for the man that likes to say that “I am the owner of the Dallas Cowboys,” don’t worry, Jerry. Even with global warming, there are still plenty of uses for coal. Happy holidays. May all of your gift wishes come true.