T3 diverts chaos with virtual holiday fun

By Shari Goldstein Stern

Who couldn’t use some laughs right about now? Uptown Players (UP) always comes through in that department, and to keep your lives safe from COVID-19 while comfy at home in your jammies, “Helen Holy’s Streaming Christmas Spectacular” will bring the 701 Club virtually into your home — to your desktop, laptop, smart phone or smart TV.  Led by the “Sister of the First Fried Self-Satisfied Baptist Church,” it’s a virtual miracle.

Helen Holy, played righteously by Paul J. Williams, is UP’s take on Pat Robertson, genius behind the 700 Club since 1966, G-d bless him. Helen interacts with a myriad of characters on her 701 Club program, through vocals, comedy and interviews asking some hard-hitting questions, like to Walter Lee, “Do those britches (leggings) come in men’s sizes?” She further questions Walter about spending Christmas with his family. He tells her he has a band family, a drag family, a dance family and a regular family. Thinking he’s being snide, Helen says, “I guess pandemic-induced bitterness is not your color.” She ties that up in a Christmas bow with, “For the record, Brother Lee, I believe that men who dress up as women are going to Hell in a fast car.”

The spectacular features holiday music, news, erratic scripture interpretations and cabaret performances, quarantine edition. The raucous cast includes Alyssa Cavazos, Walter Lee, B.J. Cleveland, Denise Lee, Laura Lites, Brandon Wilhelm, Peter DiCesare, Jacob Hemsath, Trey Tolleson, Coy Covington and Cara Serber. 

Helen’s questioning in interviews (such as, Helen says to Denise Lee that the diva’s long, neck-to-toe sequined dress makes her want a baked potato) are usually nonsensical, often insulting and always just dumb. 

Helen brings out a “Happy Quanza” decoration on Denise’s behalf and asks about her television “job.” She has no idea what Quanza is. She tosses the Quanza art into the field of poinsettias décor. She’s done with that. 

Excitedly, Denise speaks of her role as Sandra in “The Queen of the South,” taking place in a Mexican Cartel where she kills two people. “Oh, Lord. We’re dealing with Black people on a Mexican show about selling drugs and killing people. We’ve covered all Ten Commandments,” Helen moans.

When Helen asks Denise about her other “cabaret” jobs, she asks if those are in “those trashy places on Stemmons Freeway.” Denise’s deadpan facial expressions reacting to the interviewer’s absurd questions are priceless.

To keep the laughs coming, you can count on local favorite actors B.J. Cleveland as a sober Sonny to Coy Covington’s outrageous Cher. As Mary and Joseph of Christmas fame sing “I’ve got you Babe” to the Baby Jesus, they’re naturals, especially in their Sonny and Cher signature 1960s bellbottoms. Sonny (B.J. Cleveland) also directs the non-denominational production.

Cara Serber plays a loving wife and mother who converted to Judaism when she met her husband. Helen pulls out a Hanukah menorah for her desk. The guest has been quarantined at home for nine months with her daughter, who looks forward to the Hanukah and Christmas holidays. Helen Holy seems perturbed by that and again, following suit, tosses the menorah into the poinsettia décor. 

The family observes both celebrations laboriously, with the exhausted mom flailing about the stage anxiously in her holiday vest, adorned with sparkly Christmas trees, Santas, and Stars of David.

Overall, the show could pick up the pace and cut off about 15 minutes of its 90-minute stream. In compromising for the virtual staging, where no more than two performers are onstage at the same time, timing had to be a challenge. The simple sets are adequate in telling the story. Two decorated Christmas trees are stunning and create an aura, especially when they are Walter Lee’s backdrop to his moody ballad, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” 

Viewing tickets can be purchased through Dec. 20 by phone at 214-219-2718 or online at uptownplayers.org.